Romania Reloaded

No, your eyes do not deceive you. The world's worst (and perhaps best) English language rundown of the Romanian Top 100 singles chart has returned after a year away. So that's good, probably.

Anyway, when this stream of uninformed nonsense last darkened the internet's door at the end of 2011, Lykke Li was in the middle of a record-breaking 14-week run at the top of the chart with the pretty bloody brilliant Magician remix of 'I Follow Rivers'. 14 weeks! Lykke Li! Incredible. What better place to start then, than with Lykke Li's 'I Follow Rivers'? Almost a year since it was deposed from the Number One spot, it's still as high as Number 37. 37! Lykke Li! Incredible. Bizarrely the Magician remix has been unavailable for purchase in the UK for a good few months now, so an assault on the British charts is no doubt imminent*. (*Never going to happen.)

Also 'of interest' outside the Top 10 - not sure exactly where, apols - is 'Onoare', the latest release from one of Romania's most popular rappers, Guess Who. It's a melancholy affair that sounds a bit like it could have been produced by Rudimental and if you like it then you might also enjoy 'Tot Mai Sus', his long-running Number One from 2011.

One of the more surprising entries in the chart is at Number 9: Bedouin Soundclash's Coeur De Pirate-featuring 'Brutal Hearts', a song that has, until now, elicited little interest anywhere since it first appeared in 2010. A mournful boy-girl duet on the subject of love, it is in many ways like 'Somebody That I Used To Know' (just without the shouting) and even a bit like that Asaf Avidan one (again, without the shouting). The reason why a group only really known by anyone for that one song they had in an advert that time are having such success with it in Romania now is that it has been remixed by someone called Sylvio. All he's really done is make it a bit more propulsive, but it works pretty well.

Ahead of that there's Antonia at 6 with 'Jameia', which is more instant than her next single 'Marabou', though maybe not as good; and at 4, Smiley, who, after tormenting millions with the self-pitying 'Dream Girl' in 2011, has now decided to use his powers for good with 'Cai verzi pe pereți', which, says Google Translate, means 'Goose Wall'. Anyway, it has lots of catchy 'la la la'-ing in it so that's nice.

The best Romanian track in the Top 10, however, lies at Number 3. What's Up and Andra's 'K la meteo' is an absolute triumph, the highlight being the chorus, which has an amazing melody delivered at each other by the two vocalists. Seriously, lovers singing at and over the top of each other in a song can only ever be brilliant. And there's no evidence to the contrary.

But enough of that, what's at Number One? It's only one of the best songs of 2012! It's 'Oliver Twist' by D'banj! Hurrah. Here is the Top 10 in full, alongside some more thankfully brief reviews.

10 Faydee - 'Laugh Till You Cry' feat Lazy J PLEASANT/MISOGYNISTIC
9 Bedouin Soundclash - 'Brutal Hearts (Sylvio Edit)' feat Coeur De Pirate GOOD
8 Rihanna - 'Diamonds' SHE CHOSE TO BE HAPPY
7 Connect-R - 'Love Is The Way' PASSABLE
6 Antonia - 'Jameia' NOT ABOUT JAMELIA; STILL OK
5 Low Deep T - 'Casablanca' CASABLANDA MORE LIKE
4 Smiley - 'Cai verzi pe pereți' feat Alex Velea and Don Baxter LA LA LA L-ETC
3 What's Up - 'K la meteo' feat Andra FANDRASTIC
2 Loredana - 'Apa' feat Cabron JAUNTY
1 D'Banj - 'Oliver Twist' REBETE

And, sadly, that's it. Except...

• That Sylvio/Bedouin Soundclash remix is available for free from the former's Facebook page (after you 'like' it, anyway).
• This wasn't as good as the old ones, was it. And that's saying something. Still, you probably haven't read any of them, so at least there's that.
• And the Toyah song used in the Patsy Kensit Weight Watchers ad really is something. No idea what, but something.

A Thing About Some Songs That Were Hits In Romania Last Year

Below are some some words about some songs that were hits on the Romanian Top 100 in 2011.

Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix)

It's frankly anyone's guess as to how it's happened, but 'I Follow Rivers' is the current Romanian Number One and has been for 9 (NINE) weeks, albeit in the form of a Magician remix. And that's just as well because it's better than the original. In fact it takes the best part of the original, the 'do-do-do-dada-la-de-do' that overrides the vocals in between every few lines in the verses, and elaborates on it, resulting in a fine Italoish sort of 'vibe'. 7.8/10
Peak: 1 Weeks in the Top 10: 10* (Still in Top 10)
UK Hit Potential: 2/10

Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona

Something of a triumph. "Let's fly away together; let's live this dream forever; let's dance like we're in heaven, just give me your sweet love". Generic Romanian dance then, accordion and all, but with a punch, much like the best of Inna's 'oeuvre'. Liviu Hodor is supposed to be releasing a different single, the inferior but still OK 'Happy For You', in the UK at some point this year. If that, by some small miracle, could do well, this might too. 7.7
Peak: 4 Weeks in the Top 10: 11
UK Hit Potential: 4/10

Smiley - 'Dream Girl'

Misogynistic pap from the Romanian Ed Sheeran, a singer who really puts the 'bad' into 'troubadour'. And if you think that play on words is poor, the song is worse. The titular Dream Girl has cheated on and left Smiley, who, in his fury, rhymes "sitting alone" with "drinking alcohol". "You're nothing but a whore, always ready to go", he croons. "You sold your soul for a little dough." Oh dear. 2
Peak: 1 Weeks in the Top 10: 21 (!)
UK Hit Potential: 1/10

Grasu XXL - 'Lala Song' feat Guess Who

Some Romanian hip-hop. Much like out of date sweet and sour chicken, it's a bit funky - the important difference being that it shouldn't be thrown in the bin, and nor will it give you the runs. It's brilliant, basically, but also in one of those foreign languages, so don't expect it to crossover to the UK. 7.8
Peak: 4 Weeks in the Top 10: 3*
UK Hit Potential: 1/10

Raluka - 'Out Of Your Business'

This is a bit Pixie Lottesque, especially reminiscent of 'All About Tonight'. Raluka tells of how "day and night I leave it all behind; 'cause I got my own piece of mind" and how she's "out of your business". Now these lyrics are questionable, because 'out of your business' isn't really a phrase that often crops up in English vernacular, but hey! She's bought a new pair of shoes! Could be the next Inna in the UK if a) she has more songs and b) is actually brought over here. 7
Peak: 9 Weeks in the Top 10: 4
UK Hit Potential: 4/10

Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga

More Romanian hip-hop from the rapper that featured on 'Lala Song'. It's sort of like if (The Artist Formerly Know As) Frankmusik was Romanian and he featured on an equally Romanian Rizzle Kicks track, ie quite good indeed. And a fact, fact fans, the title means 'Higher'. 8
Peak: 1 Weeks in the Top 10: 23
8/10  UK Hit Potential: 1/10

Dan Balan - 'Freedom'

Dan Balan used to be in O-Zone. Last year he released an absolutely diabolical single called 'Chica Bomb' that made metaphorical waves in mainland Europe, but, aptly, 'bombed' in the UK. 'Freedom' is a massive improvement. Put simply, it's a very intense and exciting song. Dan sounds excited, the music sounds excited and together they create a tune of proportions Guetta can only dream of. That's probably not the best description in the world, but it is very exciting. 7.9
Peak: 4 Weeks in the Top 10: 10
UK Hit Potential: 5/10

Chances are not one of these songs will reach the UK chart this year (Dan Balan might be your best bet), but then you never know what might happen. 'Watch this space' etc.

Ro Man Ia An Island (No Man Is An Island)

Except the Isle Of Man that is!!!1! (You can use that one yourself.)

But this is no joking matter. This is the Romanian Top 100.

First things first: it's Christmas, and that means it's time to remember that confusing period where Nelly Furtado accidentally became one of the world's biggest popstars. One of the songs she warbled during that year or so was 'All Good Things (Come To An End)', both a stunning example of (utterly needless parenthesisation) and rather apt in regards to the success of her career. Anyway, while the invoking of it here might seem more than a little incongruous, it's actually really ironic or something because not only is this the last Romania thing of the year, it might also be the last ever. All bad things (come to an end) too, you see.

Well, providing you've had time to wipe the tears from your eyes after that shocking news, the chart stuff can begin (and don't forget, there's always a chance of a comeback, just look at Girls Aloud and their 'year off'.)

Because there was no post last week, here is the Top 10... From last week.

10 (12) Raluka - 'Out Of Your Business' WHAT A TUNE
9 (7) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
8 (8) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna GOOD GRIEF
7 (6) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona MONAMAZING
6 (3) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga MOGAMAZING
5 (5) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony SEVENTEEN OUT OF TEN
4 (9) Rihanna - 'We Found Love' feat Calvin Harris (YELLOW) DIAMOND
3 (4) Adele - 'Someone Like You' EXCITING NEW TALENT
2 (2) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan NOTHING SPECIAL
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) THIS IS GOOD

And that made it five weeks at Number One for Lykke. Not so 'indie' now, eh?

This is the bit where an assortment of songs from between 100 and 11 normally are, accompanied by some comments on them. Just not this week. Sorry. Although there is a new Inna one called 'Endless'. It's a ballad and it sounds like it samples Nik Kershaw's gibberish classic 'The Riddle'. It doesn't.

And then this week's Top 10:

10 (>10) David Guetta - 'Without You' feat Usher GUETTA: NOT ALL BAD
9 (9) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
8 (5) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony EIGHTEEN OUT OF TEN
7 (>10) Deepcentral - 'Speed Of Sound' ABOVE AVERAGE-ISH
6 (8) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna GO AWAY
5 (7) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona WOULD SELL IN THE UK
4 (2) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan SPELNG BAD, SONG OK
3 (4) Rihanna - 'We Found Love' feat Calvin Harris GREAT
2 (3) Adele - 'Someone Like You' WE GET THE IDEA
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) STILL GOOD

Which makes it six whole weeks at the top of the Romanian Top 100 for Lykke Li, officially upgrading 'I Follow Rivers' from 'smash hit' to 'phenomenon' status. Congratulations Ms Li. Even the Romanian X Factor contestants are 'paying tribute' to it. And now here is the bit that goes... Except...

• Liviu Hodor appears to be getting a single release in the UK sometime next year. Unfortunately it won't be for 'Sweet Love' but rather an older track, 'Happy For You'. In any case, 'watch this space' or something.
• Alexandra Stan didn't get the Grammy nomination people were predicting for her :(
• And "perspiring football journo" Duncan Jenkins has been giving his views on music.

(Agg)Romania(Santos.com)

Just so you know, the above title is an altered lyric from the concurrently ridiculous and amazing 'Candy' by Aggro Santos. If you want to catch Aggro live then you soon can, at Chichester Crown Court on January the 5th, supported by... Well, his lawyers, presumably. Anyway, Romanian chart et cetera et cetera.

Tinie Tempah is at Number 87 with 'Written In The Stars'. A bit of a tune, but not his finest. No, that would be 'Pass Out', which he performed on US X Factor last week, keeping in the 'Scunthorpe' line. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Tinie Tempah is one hundred percent a Good Thing. Oh and in case you were wondering, Scunthorpe is rubbish, even by dilapidated northern UK town standards.

There's a new entry at Number 79 for DJ Sava and Andreea D and it is called 'Free'. "Free like the morning sun," is Andreea, "and I'm going, free at last" and you get the idea. Anyway, despite the fact that the morning sun isn't really free - it just goes up from the east down to the west, every single day, without fail - it's quite good. It's got brass in it and apparently Sava has something to do with Raluka of 'Out Of Your Business' brilliance and if that isn't a a mark of a class product then Lord knows what is.

Like dreadful Italian style rock? Well you're wrong to do so, but there was some at Number 55, although you'll have to find out what it was called for yourself because the woman on the radio didn't say what it was. Mohombi's 'Bumpy Ride' was just ahead of it at Number 54 though, so that somewhat balanced things out. And then that Bruno Mars song about rain came on (for it is at Number 50). "I'll never be your mother's favourite" is genuinely one of the lyrics in that. Better get yourself back to the shop quick to replace his album for the Bublé one then, because otherwise yours will be distinctly underwhelmed by her Christmas present. "That Bruno Mars," she'll sigh, barely masking her utter disdain for you and the lack of thought you have given to the purchasing of her gift, "he'll never be my favourite". Perhaps if he started making stereotypical 'housewife-friendly' pop then he might sell more copies. Until then, he'll have to remain something of a niche proposition.

When you are recording a song and you have Arash what do you do? What you do, it would seem, is make 'Broken Angel', a very nice sort of OneRepublic-ish midtempo ballad with added European influences. This is, of course, providing that you are a female vocalist called Helena and that when you're talking about Arash you mean you're with the balding Swedish-Iranian popstar who took Azerbaijan to a third place finish at Eurovision in 2009. If not then you probably want to get that checked out. Apparently 'Broken Angel' came out over a year ago so God knows why it's still in the Romanian Top 50 (at 46, to be precise) but as the old saying goes, "when God gives you lemonade, you drink the lemonade".

MILLI-MILLION, MILLI-MILLION, MILLI-MILLI-MILLI-MILLI-MILLI-MILLION, Alexandra Stan is one place ahead of that at Number 45 (the song is called 'One Million').

No sign of LadBanter yet, but their single isn't out until January so give them time.

One 'curiosity' of the Romanian charts is that at the moment at least they seem to contain about 5 songs that are based on 'Yé ké yé ké'. How this has come to be is unclear. The Romanians clearly love Latin influences in their pop music, though seemingly not so much African ones. So what is it that's so attractive about this one Guinean song from almost 25 years ago? It was popular across Europe then too, so it's not exactly a new thing, but it's nonetheless odd. On second thoughts they do also love wordless and nonsensical hooks - viz 'One Million' and the rather splendid 'Lala Song' by Grasu XXL and Guess Who, at Number 19 this week. Perhaps it could be something to do with that. Perhaps it could, and should, remain a mystery. PERHAPS.

And there we have it. Below you will find this week's Top 10. You may notice that many of the songs in it appear to have been there since the dawn of time. Then again you're not the one who's been compiling this bloody thing so you probably won't. Anyway:

10 (9) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' NO THANKS
9 (13) Rihanna - 'We Found Love' feat Calvin Harris HOPELESS ACE
8 (5) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna BLOODY HELL
7 (8) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
6 (7) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona ACTUALLY GOOD
5 (3) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony SIXTEEN OUT OF TEN
4 (6) Adele - 'Someone Like You' PLEASANT/TIRESOME
3 (4) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga ACTUALLY SUPERB
2 (2) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan ACTUALLY... AVERAGE
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) MAGIC

And that is Lykke Li's fourth week at the top. Lykke: even though you may eventually be deposed, never forget that, as the late, great Whitney Houston once said, "you're a winner for a lifetime". Never forget that. And here's the bit that goes... Except...

• Like any good popstars should at at least one point in their career, Andra and Liviu Hodor performed at the opening of a new shopping centre the other day.

• Meanwhile, Grasu XXL did a PA at a club. Romanian popstars seem to do that quite a lot. And judging by the picture on that page, Grasu XXL is very tall.

• Oh, and a clip of Cilla Black showing off her favourite childhood 'treat'.

Perfunctoromania

Because we're all busy people and etc. For the sake of completism, here is this week's Romanian Top 10. 

10 (11) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' A BIT LIKE 'POPULAR' IE AMAZING
9 (5) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' UNINTERESTING
8 (6) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
7 (4) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona A GOOD SONG
6 (10) Adele - 'Someone Like You' A NICE SONG
5 (8) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna OH DEAR
4 (7) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga SUPERLATIVE
3 (3) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony FIFTEEN OUT OF TEN
2 (2) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan NO 'HAPPINESS'
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) HURRAH

Normal service will (presumably) resume next week, if you're in any way interested whatsoever. And, 'sadly', that's all. Except...

• Marius Moga is currently one of the judges on Vocea României (The Voice of Romania). So that's nice.

• Meanwhile, his great mate Guess Who had a guest slot on Romanian X Factor the other week. More interesting though was the appearance this week of East 17, who performed their 1995 'classic' 'Thunder'. Blimey.

• And this is a rather innovative and funny way of using Spotify's Social feature, is it not? Yes, yes it is.

X (Factor) Marks The Spot: Romania

As it stands, a total of 30 countries are either currently or will soon be broadcasting their own versions of that great British televisual institution, The X Factor. This probably means, given that different editions go out on different days of the week, that it is showing somewhere in the world every single night of the year (subs please check). That's quite a lot of X Factor.

It means a lot of PRS cheques coming through for Simon Cowell, who has a co-credit on the theme tune for suggesting that the words 'X Factor' should be in it. It means a lot of 'potential global superstars'. It means maybe one or two actual ones. More importantly it means a lot of Louis Walsh impersonators, badly mimed group performances and whatever else normally happens on the show. But who are the people that are doing these things and where? That is the question that X (Factor) Marks The Spot will strive, nation by nation, to answer.

Now this promises, given the fact that it's too much effort to watch more than about ten minutes of each show, to be rather ropey. So where better to start than everyone's favourite generically attractive female-fronted generic dance music factory, Romania. X Factor Romania is currently heading towards the end of its first series, with only seven contestants remaining. Here are some things about it, in lazy list format, in lieu of any of the skill required to craft flowing paragraphs.

The presenters: Razvan Simion and Dani Otil, who look like they could be the Romanian Ant and Dec, but are actually rather dour. Poor form, Romania. Oh and one of them seems to say the word 'weekend' at the start, possibly in mimicry of Dermot O'Leary and his "your weekend starts here" 'catchphrase'. Again, poor form if so.

The judges: Adrian Sînă (a member of amazing boyband Akcent, who have a song about Kylie Minogue), Paula Seling (who came third at Eurovision in 2010 with some other bloke, performing 'Playing With Fire') and Mihai Morar (no idea who he is). 

The voiceover: Subtly frightening.

The crowd: Falteringly polite, in that they seemed to be constantly anxiously waiting for a cue to gently clap from a man with a card. Or perhaps a gun, which they occasionally jumped, only adding to what was a quite amateur ambience. Can you have an amateur ambience? Well it's alliterative so you can now.

A comedy audition?: Cristian Vartolomei. 

This week's guest performers: Brilliantly, East 17, currently making what must be approaching their 17th comeback, albeit this time without the input of Brian Harvey and one of the other ones. So what song did they do? A new one? A classic? 'Stay Another Day'? No. 'Thunder', a song that suggests that Tony Mortimer's (the one who wasn't Brian Harvey [the one who ran over himself]) fabled songwriting talents were somewhat overstated. Basically it only had about two lines. The performance itself was ramshackle to say the least - more than a bit pitchy and strained. Let's just say it's been a long time. Halfway through, one of the judges picks up one of those tablet things - on which he is presumably watching the performance, despite it being in front of his eyes - adorned with the logo of one of the show's sponsors, and holds it right at the camera. Incredible.

This week's bottom two: This is known in Romania as 'DUEL'. First up was a woman dressed as Slash, belting her way through Lykke Li's 'I Follow Rivers', something that Janet Devlin could only have dreamed of doing on the UK version. (To be fair, 'I Follow Rivers' is currently Number One in Romania, but still.) Anyway, she wasn't very good.

Second was Irina Florea, who chose to perform 'I Love Rock 'N' Roll', a great song for showing off the more sophisticated aspects of your vocal abilities. Again, she wasn't very good, if a bit better than Slash. And she did quite a few ad libs, which would be best described as 'interesting'.

In all fairness, it should have been East 17 who were then kicked off. Sadly it turned out that they were not actually part of the competition. Instead it was Slash, by two votes to one, the decider coming from her own mentor, Mihai. She took it gracefully, as Irina broke down in tears, and the crowd waited for permission to clap politely. Everyone's a winner. Kind of.

Who might win?: Thanks for asking, no idea. There's only seven left though, so this man seen ambling his way through 'Rolling In The Deep' at judge's houses (a beach, in this instance) has, strictly speaking, a one in seven chance. Congratulations, Andrei Leonte. (Actually on second looking the favourite seems to be Alin Vaduva. So now you know.)

The overall feel: UK X Factor, circa 2006 (sans Leona).

"And there," as they say, "we have it".

Ohnomania

Take a deep breath because here is this week's Romanian chart thing.

In at Number 95 is Mike Candy's 'One Night In Ibiza', cut from his forthcoming album 'Plumbing The Depths' like a plastic 6 pack ring from a dying swan's neck. Actually the album's not called that but it might as bloody well be. Never has hedonism sounded so utterly tedious. 'One Night In Ibiza' would be workmanlike, if only it appeared to have had any work put into it whatsoever. It is the sound of 2011: the sound of total contempt for the listener. The sound of imaginary VIP areas that, even if they did exist, would never admit the mere mortals lapping it up. It's that of aspiration to barely glamorised misogyny, Pitbull's good looks and David Guetta's great hair. It's the sound of laddism, the WKD side and Massive Banter. It's the evacuation of not only a genre of music, but music itself. It's the sound of 'will this do'. It's the sound of 'turns out it will'. It's the sound of this parody Twitter account, Taio Cruz and Olly Murs. It's like Britpop never happened. It reverberates from the deeply mythologised Club, where it's possible to party party PARTY until 6am without anyone getting glassed or being sick, and have both the wherewithal and wealth to do it all again from tomorrow until forever. It's the sound of money for nothing and your drinks for 10p. It's proof that the Bodyrockers were prophets, not anomalies. It is The Only Way Is Essex, it is Geordie Shore. It's the sound of the apocalypse.

Glad to sort that out.

But while it's all well and good having a go at things that are rubbish, negativity and misanthropy are fool's games, really. There is a lot of good stuff out there - or at least stuff not dire enough to make you want to slowly extract one of your eyes with a teaspoon - and it should be celebrated and cherished. Have a listen to Raluka to cleanse your palate. Then, in light of the unrepeatable atrocity above, it's only right that you partake in a moment's silence to reflect. And then you can listen to Raluka again. Here is the Top 10.

10 (11) Adele - 'Someone Like You' UNDEREXPOSED
9 (10) Andra - 'Telephone' ACE
8 (4) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna OH GOD
7 (8) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga ALSO ACE
6 (3) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
5 (6) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' ...
4 (7) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona THIS IS A GOOD SONG
3 (2) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony FOURTEEN OUT OF TEN
2 (5) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan UNDISTINCTIVE
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) HURRAH

Well what a mess this blog thing has been. A shame that there's no time to turn it around now. There's nothing that can be done. Except...

• Dan Bălan is trying to break Russia, but hasn't forgotten his roots, personally auditioning a variety of Romanian models (or a 'bevy of buxom babes') for a starring role in his latest video. The lucky winner of the part was Ioana Raicu. Congratulations, Ioana.

• Alexandra Stan's career hit a new high last week when 'Mr Saxobeat' soundtracked the exit of this year's Big Brother runner up, Jay McKray, a man notable for putting his poo in the house's freezer.

• And Gok Wan's performance on this year's Children In Need represented one of the most incredible pieces of live music on television since Paul Shane attempted You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'.

Ro-ma-nia Worth Bothering With

(As in 'no way near'.) (Although maybe it is.) (Is it?) (It might be.) (This thing about the Romanian charts, that is.) (Let's see.)

First off, Sak Noel's 'Loca People' is at Number 96. The interesting thing about that is that when they play it on the radio in Romania they don't censor the naughty word, presumably because English isn't their first language. Well, it's sort of interesting. (It's not, is it? :( )

The Walmart Timberlake to Shayne Ward's Primark version, Joe Jonas, is a new entry at Number 90 with 'Just In Love', which is probably of some importance to someone or something, and Leona is at Number 83 with... Oh hang on, it's Avicii again. Maybe one day.

Right. This isn't going very well. Here to save the day is Alex Velea, whose 'Whisper' is at Number 70. It's actually quite good: above average dance-pop, in 2011, that's far removed from the Guetta archetype of "We're going to have some booze drinks and pop some bottles and maybe leer at some models UNTIL 6AM!". Who'd have thought it. What's also quite good is the video, which is half based on Olly Murs' 'Please Don't Let Me Go' clip, and half on James Bond. He does a little dance routine with some gangsters' molls and everything. And sound the 'dubstep influence' siren - there's a few wub-wubs at the end.

Good news for 'setting back feminism by, oh, at least a thousand years' fans: Antonia is at Number 57 with 'Marionette', in which she sings: "I wanna be in your control, so unmerciful; you can twist me and turn me just don't let me go... I wanna be your puppet on a string; baby I'm not holding back we can do anything; and even if I'm crazy it's cause you make me this way; we're as close to love as we'll ever get; I wanna be your marionette". Blimey. In fact it's also great news for 'non-native English speakers failing to pronounce things correctly' aficionados, because when Antonia says it, it sounds a lot like 'may-un-ey'.

And in what is, depending on how you look at it, either an unexpected boon or crushing blow for pop for people who daren't like pop, Lykke Li has climbed 5 places to Number One. Lykke Li: Number One. That sounds rather odd. Well, unfortunately, while it will no doubt delight Ms Li, it also signals, as per Ye Olde Law Of Pitchfork, the end of her career. Oh well. Here is the rest of the Top 10.

10 (14) Andra - 'Telephone' V GOOD
9 (5) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' RATHER INVIGORATING
8 (7) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga JAUNTY
7 (8) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona EASILY ONE OF THE BEST
6 (4) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' BORIN'
5 (9) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan GOT 2 IMPROVE
4 (3) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna DETESTABLE
3 (2) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
2 (1) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony THIRTEEN OUT OF TEN
1 (6) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) HAS PIANOS; GOOD

So Romania loves Lykke. After that revelation, there's nothing left to be said. Except...

• In an illuminating article on libertatea.ro, Alex Velea revealed that for him, "the most important thing in marriage is a friendship that goes hand in hand with sex. I consult with my wife in everything I do" and that "alcohol should be consumed in small quantities, but very good quality".

• Lykke Li has been busy inspiring The Kooks. So busy in fact, that she doesn't even own a TV. Seriously, there's indie nonsense and then there's just outright nonsense. How does she watch The X Factor?

• And Robbie Williams' Mate Johnny Wilkes needs to learn to spell. He can't hate her that much, surely?

Better Late Romania (Than Never)

Pretty sure you'll agree - that's some liquid titling up there. On with this week's belated Romania rundown thing, then.

At Number 99 there's a new entry for Anya. It's called  'Fool Me' and if you enjoyed 'Mr Saxobeat' (and who didn't) then chances are you might like this too. So that's good.

There's a striking tune re-entering at Number 92 with the refrain "I was born in a system that doesn't give a fuck; about you nor me nor the life; don't be a victim of things I do too survive". It is the work of Ricky L and MCK and is called 'Born Again'. It's all very sparse and threatening and not exactly the sort of thing you'd expect to find in this chart (presumably). Funnily enough it seems to be a number of years old - perhaps its reappearance was down to someone performing a light hearted version of it on Romanian X Factor or something.

Anyway, it's very good, but what's it all about? Well, luckily, YouTube commenter Jacobra9 can explain all: "This song is about the system we life in these days that system is called The New World Order controlled by the Free Masons and they really dont give a Fuck about U and Me they only care about respecting the devil and his followers so screw the Free Masons with there fuck'd up plan's and please guys don't let them control you." So there you go.

Leona's 'Collide' is at Number 91! Definitely vindication for pushing back the release of her album. Oh hang on, it's actually Avicii's 'Fade Into Darkness'. Still, things are looking good for her.

Celia and Kaye Styles have a hit on their hands: 'Is It Love' is at Number 19. It's notable for a few things: yet another Romanian Pitbull, a Romanian Fatman Scoop, a completely superfluous 'higher-desire' rhyme, some frenetic strings and most of all, a truly mind-boggling video. But is it love? Jacobra9 has yet to comment.

And it's good news for lovers of pop of the sort that's fawned over on the internet by people who only allow themselves to like pop if they can somehow attach a notion of Credibility to it and will never breach the charts: Lykke Li has climbed into the Top 10. Specifically, 'I Follow Rivers' has reached the dizzying heights of Number 6, although it seems that it has only done so off the back of The Magician (of Junior Senior)'s Italoish mix. Which is good, because it is in many ways superior. Of course the worrying thing is that this Top 10 placing in one country in Europe surely means that Li is now a bona fide commercial proposition. When all the godforsaken, indier-than-thou recesses of the 'blogosphere' stop mentioning her, you'll know why. 'You heard it here first'.

But other than Lykke Li, who makes up this week's Top 10? This is the bit where you find out, with some particularly punning (groansome) asseszzz

10 (10) Raluka - 'Out Of Your Business' AMAZING
9 (9) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan NOT BAD; NOT GREAT
8 (8) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona NOT BAD; GREAT
7 (4) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga TIP-TOP HIP-HOP
6 (?) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) ITALOTALLY GREAT
5 (6) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' WILL MAKE GUETTA WEEP (IT'S ACE)
4 (7) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' DOWN THE DUMPER(IN')
3 (3) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna REPUGNANT
2 (2) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
1 (1) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony TWELVE OUT OF TEN

And it's with great sadness that that's all there is to report. Except...

• Lots of people you've never heard of and Raluka are taking part in some sort of festival on the 1st of December.

• Some other people think that Alexandra Stan might soon win a Grammy. Unbelievable.

• And Tesco are launching a new 'LAD' cereal called Fuel. This is a little depressing, but mainly because why they didn't name it Frankie Granola will have to remain a mystery TO US ALL.

[WEAK PUN ON ROMANIA TO GO HERE PLEASE CHEERS THANKS]

Yes, that title was just a lazy way of glossing over the lack of an idea for a pun on 'Romania' this week, but ooh 'meta'.

First off, there's good news for Britney Spears after her recent poor gig reviews. Yes, while she may be as culturally relevant in Britain right now as Lonnie Donegan, the 'Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know' hitmaker is still enjoying success in Romania, having not one, but two entries on this week's chart in 'Criminal' and 'I Wanna Go', albeit at only 88 and 78 respectively. Suppose she'll have to take what she can get by this point.

At Number 84 there's a song that sounds like Jamie Woon. Jamie Woon? In Romania? Well, no. It's not Jamie Woon. The Internet doesn't really seem to know what it is either. Bit of a shambles really. And before you start saying "cool story bro", like The Kids apparently do on The Internet these days, a recommendation: the Hudson Mohawke mix of 'Lady Luck' is very good indeed. Perhaps not good enough to make this paragraph worthwhile, but good nonetheless.

In 'bizarre appropriation of a foreign language song' news, Emil Lassaria and F.Charm have conspired to make a Pitbullised version of 'Guantanamera'. They've called it 'Guantanamera' and it charts this week at Number 86. Seriously though what a racket.

Talking of Pitbull, he and Enrique Iglesias have risen 19 places to 48 this week with 'I Like How It Feels'. What it feels like, in actual fact, is a slightly ropey Official FIFA World Cup™ Song, replete as it is with whistling, crowds chanting "Oh-ay, oh-oh" and two vocalists with crossover international appeal. In other words it's amazing.

Actually, talking of Pitbull, guess who's Number One? Yes, Marc Anthony! And Pitbull. Since 'Pit' first came to widespread public attention in 2009 he's often been something of a blight on pop music; a pernicious influence that has aided the proliferation of Guetta House and Club nonsense in the mainstream. At the same time, however, he's also been responsible (at least in part, through Skyped-in guest appearances) for some absolute, undeniable tunes. It's only now, two years after 'I Know You Want Me' became a hit, that he has unveiled his coup de grâce: chucking 'DJ Antoine' off the top spot with the eleven out of ten-rating 'Rain Over Me'. Congratulations to all involved.

Here is the rest of the Top Ten, this week bolstered by the addition of The Mighty Raluka:

10 (15) The Mighty Raluka - 'Out Of Your Business' FUTURE CLASSIC
9 (14) Sean Da Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan DECENT-ISH
8 (9) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona SWEET (IE GOOD)
7 (6) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' BORING
6 (7) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' EXCITING
5 (8) Mishelle - 'Only You' feat Randi NOT YAZOO; STILL GREAT
4 (4) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga TOP NOTCH
3 (1) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna AN ATROCITY
2 (2) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
1 (3) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony WHAT A TUNE

And that's pretty much all there is to say :(. Except...

• 'Troubled Actress' 'Lindsay Lohan' is still a bit bitter about Pitbull using her name in one of his rubbish songs.

• She might not be able to "deal your love no more", but it's The Mighty Raluka’s 22nd birthday a week on Monday, so buy her something nice, yeah?

• And a sobering thought regarding Britney Spears. A child born when '...Baby One More Time' was first released in the UK would now be approaching their 13th birthday. Even more depressingly, it's completely probable that they wouldn't even really know who she is. 'Makes you think'.

Romania's Revenge

If you hadn't noticed, the title of this post is a very witty pun on the popular record 'Roman's Revenge' by Nicki Minaj.

But that's not important. What is important is the Romanian Top 100, and that is what the following few paragraphs will attempt to dissect, if not particularly at length, then at least in an affected whimsical manner. 'Here', as they say, 'we go'.

There's a new entry at Number 83 for Alexandra Stan and Carlprit and it is called 'One Million'. What would be good would be if Carlprit married former German tennis star Michael Stich, opening up the possibility of him changing his name to Carlprit Stich. Anyway, the song itself starts off as a carbon copy of Sean Da Paul and Alexis Jordan's 'Got 2 Luv U' before morphing into a sort of Nadia Oh-esque masterpiece, especially in the chorus, which is as follows: "Milli-million, milli-million, milli-milli-milli-milli-milli-million (repeat to infinity)". Amazing.

Rihanna climbs to 66 with 'We Found Love' in the week that its ever so slightly publicised video was released. It's one of the best of the year, much like the song itself which - and this is just a hunch - is probably going to be enormous right through Christmas and the New Year. Again, just a hunch, but 'you heard it here first'.

There's a song with the refrain "Get a life, get a life, get a life; why don't you take my life, take my life, take my life" - incredible - that smoothly segues into Mory Kanté's 'Yé ké yé ké' - again, incredible - at Number 63. Apparently (well, factually), it's called 'Get A Life' and is by Nick Kamarera and Alinka.

Guess Who? No, really, Guess Who. Oh, that was a funny little wheeze. The rapper Guess Who, of 'Tot Mai Sus' 'fame', has leant his vocals to Grasu XXL's 'Lala Song' which has soared over recent weeks to a current position of 42. Much like out of date sweet and sour chicken, it's a bit funky - the important difference being that 'Lala Song' shouldn't be thrown in the bin, and nor will it give you the runs. It's good, basically.

All of which means... Well, not much. But in unrelated news DJ Antoine's genuinely abhorrent 'Welcome To St. Tropez' has earnt itself a second week at Number One. Following on from last week, here's some more of the lyrical pearls on offer in the most popular song in the whole of Romania right now.

"Imported linen, Egyptian cotton; the party just started, the party ain't stoppin'; keep shit poppin', poppin' these bottles; haters keep hatin', fuckin' these models; so much money like we own the lotto; pull up to a club in a white Murcielago"

In further unrelated news, the Euro is on the brink of collapse. Here is this week's Top 10:

10 (5) Andra - 'Telephone' FANDRASTIC (FANTASTIC)
9 (10) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona TUNE
8 (14) Mishelle - 'Only You' feat Randi REALLY QUITE PLEASANT
7 (9) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' WOULD WIN EUROVISION
6 (7) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' LUMPEN
5 (8) Alexinno - 'Senorita' feat Starchild WHY?
4 (4) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga CLASSY
3 (3) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony PITBULL'S FINEST HOUR
2 (2) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
1 (1) DJ Antoine - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna BLOODY HELL

And that's all you're getting. Except...

• Mishelle and Randi have a message for you.

• Nick Kamarera's sister has married one of the richest men in Romania. It really is amazing what you can find out just by putting someone's name into Google News. 'Congratulations' to 'all concerned' and so on and so on.

• And if you were thinking of making a trip to Duncan's shop, then you might have to wait until next week at the very least.

What Have The Romanians Ever Done For Us?

Well, this, for one thing.

But more importantly they've also made lots of (some) great (fairly good) music recently for our delectation (to listen to). What better way to celebrate that fact than to look at and then attempt to make some kind of 'comment' on their charts? ("We genuinely don't know or care" - The World)

Well first of all (and surprisingly), Olly Murs is at Number 66 with 'Heart Skips A Beat'. So that's nice.

Continuing with palindromic numbers, this week's Number 55 is 'So Far So Good' by John Puzzle featuring Elise. It sounds a bit Turkish and is rather delightful - it is, one could say, pretty good. Directly ahead of it at Number 54 is Claudio Cristo and Tamy's 'Teach Me', which really is quite remarkable. That is to say that if you really try then you might be able to be moved by it enough to make some kind of remark about it. So after much thought, here is one: it's a bit generic.

Raluka's 'Out Of Your Business', which climbs from 12 to 11 this week, is an absolute corker and the song Pixie Lott wishes she could pretend to have co-written. If it was released properly in the UK it would be a Top 10 single and if you disagree you're just plain wrong. (And haven't noticed the similarities between it and Pixie's own 'All About Tonight', which Raluka knocks into a not only a proverbial cocked hat, but an idiomatic one too.)

Good news everyone: the superbilious 'Smiley' has been dethroned. Apologies for that rather dodgy neologism, but at times like this it's easy to get caught up in the excitement.You know, now that he's left the top spot there's no more need to talk about him. And no more need for this picture:

However, in a further attempt to inflict pain on the good people of Romania he has passed on his crown of solid beige (thanks for that Peter) to the maker of a song that's possibly just as contemptible as 'Dream Girl'. Basically it's 'Welcome To St. Tropez'. Let's have a look at some of the witty bon mots on offer in what stands to reason to be DJ Antoine's finest work to date.

"Mad bitches, so much brought; spendin' like when I wanna fuck them all; get mad brain in my very fast car; Ferrari v12 Maranello on my arm; ladies can't resist the charm; haters, kiss the ring of the Don; and we do this all day, welcome to Saint Tropez."

Truly, we seem to be reaching The End Of Days. Regardless, the perfunctory blog must go on. There's actually one new entry in this week's Top 10 and if that's not something to get excited about then lord knows what is.

10 (11) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona V GOOD
9 (9) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' A 'GROWER' (TECHNICAL TERM)
8 (7) Alexinno - 'Senorita' feat Starchild POINTLESS
7 (6) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' NO THANKS
6 (5) Rihanna - 'Man Down' A COD-PIECE OF ART
5 (8) Andra - 'Telephone' NOT A COVER; STILL GOOD
4 (2) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga A CUT ABOVE
3 (4) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony A MONUMENTAL TUNE
2 (1) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl' BLAH BLAH ET CETERA
1 (3) DJ Antoine - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna A TRAVESTY 

And that, 'unfortunately', is that. Except...

• Anna Lesko has been doing some painting.

• Elena Gheorghe dreamt about falling pregnant, and then fell pregnant! Not sure that's really how it works, but nonetheless congratulations and so on.

• And Inna turned 25 on Sunday. Banal, but then sometimes banal can be nice, right? Right. Just not on this occasion.

De De De De Do, De De De De Do, De De De De Do; This Is Romania

Yes, the enthusiasm to write up this rundown thing is still just about there. Trundling ever on then:

There's a track at Number 63 called 'Come Again' sung by a lady called Kamelia. It's rather unremarkable, if competent, fare - certainly not a patch on 'See It In A Boy's Eyes' - but it's definitely good to have her back after her accidentally hilarious appearances on all those panel shows (and, weirdly, The Fairy Jobmother).

'Only You' by Mishelle and Randi (not the one who debunks psychics) rebounds from 14 to 11 and is rather good indeed. It's got the contemporary Romanian, Play & Win sound, yet sounds a lot more like an actual song than the majority of the output of the majority of the 'artistes' utilising it. This is in part due to its comparatively sparse arrangement, but, let's be honest, it's not a hard contrast to achieve when the likes of Alexandra Stan are pretty much bludgeoning you round the head with a saxophone. PRETTY MUCH.

Don't know if you've noticed, but a lot of Romanian videos consist of naught but a pretty girl waltzing around, clad in what can only be described as 'a scanty fashion'. It's none too taxing, and presumably enjoyable if you like That Sort Of Thing, but it does a disservice to the countless great minds working behind the camera. They can do better. When it came to making the video for Crush and Alexandra's 'I Need You More' (this week's Number 19), a director was finally given the opportunity to show the world what they can do. The result is high concept stuff.

Well, that is to say it's impenetrable. Various people, predominantly couples, are shown in a variety of settings (The Club, outside The Club, dancing but not at The Club). Simple enough. But the crux of the thing is that they all hold up some kind of LED flashcard with some nonsense slogan on. "FASHION VICTIM", says one. Another has "∞", the symbol for infinity. Neither have any relevance to the song. All that's really sure is that it's all about having a Good Time, and at the end of the day, isn't that we all et cetera et cetera. (Oh, and the song's not bad, rather lovely in fact, with a slight whiff of 'Canon In D' and a smattering of those Supertramp sounds that David Guetta is so fond of. What an unnecessarily long 'review'.)

And now, the bad news: 'Smiley' remains at Number One for the fourth week. However, the good news: the Radio Killer remix makes 'Dream Girl' slightly more palatable. But only slightly. Something still must be done. People of Romania: the world knows your pain. We're sending help. But first of all, you've got to help yourself. Do whatever you can - hide his CDs in shops, anything. Together we can end this plague.

Perhaps you could even put the above poster in your window. Just a thought. Here's the rather stagnant Top 10:

10 (9) Pitbull - 'Give Me Everything' feat Ne-Yo etc GIVE ME STRENGTH
9 (5) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' A 'WORK' 'IN PROGRESS'
8 (10) Andra - 'Telephone' 100% GOOD 
7 (8) Alexinno - 'Senorita' feat Starchild BORING
6 (6) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' ONE PITBULL IS ENOUGH
5 (7) Rihanna - 'Man Down' RUM-PA-PA-PUM (GOOD)
4 (4) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony AY-AY-AYMAZING
3 (3) DJ Antoine - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna CONTEMPTIBLE
2 (2) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga WONDERFUL
1 (1) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl' DEATH TO SMILEY

And that should cover everything. Except...

• 'Smiley' looks a bit like Dane Bowers, doesn't he? Not as good though.

• Edward Maya and Vika Jigulina had 'cause to celebrate' after winning Dance Song Of The Year at the BMI London Awards.

• And Andra had to cancel a gig due to a sprained ankle. Apparently a UK popstar had a similar problem recently but it was barely mentioned and so his or her name is proving rather elusive. Nope. No idea who it was. Shame.

What Exactly Do The Romanians Think They're Playing (At)?

Well, this, for one thing.

But that's not as important as the music they're playing. That is what this blog will investigate.

First of all, a change: it seems that while the potentially made up Charly 1300 charts might have some basis in fact, the actual official Top 100 can be found here, and so that is the one that will be used here henceforth. Hurrah. As such, the composition of this week's chart is markedly different to last week's. Not that it really matters. So:

Liviu Hodor's 'Sweet Love' (featuring Mona, of Craig McLachlan and indeed Check 1-2 fame) is up 10 places to 15, and has an accordion in it. Actually it might be a harmonica but you just never know these days. It's rather good.

At Number 29 is Play & Win's 'Ya BB'. A former Number One, Wikipedia reliably informs that it "was the most broadcasted song on the Romanian radios for 16 weeks". It's not really all that amazing, but given that they're the masterminds (or maybe just minds) behind Inna, then it'd probably be fair to let them off. But only once.

At Numbers 21 and 20 there's an Inna and Alexandra Stanwich with 'Un Momento' and 'Get Back (ASAP)'. Not overly remarkable, but what a pun hey? Actually that wouldn't be a sandwich, would it? It'd just be two slices of bread. But what bread.

'Tell Me Why', by Amna, is notable for having a beat that in parts sounds not only a bit like 'I Feel Love', but also rather oompah-ish. She's not the world's greatest singer, but she does wield both a saxophone AND an accordion. Amazing? Amazing. It's at Number 22.

Unfortunately, there's upsetting news at the top of the chart: Smiley's Number One. In fact, he's been at the top of this chart for two weeks. Something must be done. If you're reading this and you are Romanian (Blogger stats suggest that's unlikely) then please, this is your duty - do something about it. Protests at parliament, petitions to your president, whatever - Romania must be ridden of this plague.

Anyway, here is the Top 10 in full, replete with 100% accurate and hilarious assessments.

10 (11) Andra - 'Telephone' PROPERLY GREAT
9 (10) Pitbull - 'Give Me Everything' feat Ne-Yo etc NE-YO'S QUITE GOOD
8 (5) Alexinno - 'Senorita' feat Starchild BIT BORING
7 (6) Rihanna - 'Man Down' GOOD
6 (8) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' ROMANIAN PITBULL
5 (4) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' NEEDS WORK
4 (7) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony A TRIUMPH
3 (3) DJ Antoine - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna DEPRESSING
2 (2) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga MARVELLOUS
1 (1) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl' HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED

'And that', as somebody presumably says, 'is your lot'. Except... 

• Smiley has won 4 Romanian Music Awards. This may or may not have happened recently but it was probably just some kind of mistake anyway so it doesn't matter. 

• Alexandra Stan's 'Mr Saxobeat' was the last song that Liz Hurley purchased.

• And it turns out that the Inna and Alexandra Stanwich was not only devoid of any filling, but also happened not this week, but last. Apologies to all concerned.