Ro Man Ia An Island (No Man Is An Island)

Except the Isle Of Man that is!!!1! (You can use that one yourself.)

But this is no joking matter. This is the Romanian Top 100.

First things first: it's Christmas, and that means it's time to remember that confusing period where Nelly Furtado accidentally became one of the world's biggest popstars. One of the songs she warbled during that year or so was 'All Good Things (Come To An End)', both a stunning example of (utterly needless parenthesisation) and rather apt in regards to the success of her career. Anyway, while the invoking of it here might seem more than a little incongruous, it's actually really ironic or something because not only is this the last Romania thing of the year, it might also be the last ever. All bad things (come to an end) too, you see.

Well, providing you've had time to wipe the tears from your eyes after that shocking news, the chart stuff can begin (and don't forget, there's always a chance of a comeback, just look at Girls Aloud and their 'year off'.)

Because there was no post last week, here is the Top 10... From last week.

10 (12) Raluka - 'Out Of Your Business' WHAT A TUNE
9 (7) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
8 (8) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna GOOD GRIEF
7 (6) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona MONAMAZING
6 (3) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga MOGAMAZING
5 (5) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony SEVENTEEN OUT OF TEN
4 (9) Rihanna - 'We Found Love' feat Calvin Harris (YELLOW) DIAMOND
3 (4) Adele - 'Someone Like You' EXCITING NEW TALENT
2 (2) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan NOTHING SPECIAL
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) THIS IS GOOD

And that made it five weeks at Number One for Lykke. Not so 'indie' now, eh?

This is the bit where an assortment of songs from between 100 and 11 normally are, accompanied by some comments on them. Just not this week. Sorry. Although there is a new Inna one called 'Endless'. It's a ballad and it sounds like it samples Nik Kershaw's gibberish classic 'The Riddle'. It doesn't.

And then this week's Top 10:

10 (>10) David Guetta - 'Without You' feat Usher GUETTA: NOT ALL BAD
9 (9) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
8 (5) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony EIGHTEEN OUT OF TEN
7 (>10) Deepcentral - 'Speed Of Sound' ABOVE AVERAGE-ISH
6 (8) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna GO AWAY
5 (7) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona WOULD SELL IN THE UK
4 (2) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan SPELNG BAD, SONG OK
3 (4) Rihanna - 'We Found Love' feat Calvin Harris GREAT
2 (3) Adele - 'Someone Like You' WE GET THE IDEA
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) STILL GOOD

Which makes it six whole weeks at the top of the Romanian Top 100 for Lykke Li, officially upgrading 'I Follow Rivers' from 'smash hit' to 'phenomenon' status. Congratulations Ms Li. Even the Romanian X Factor contestants are 'paying tribute' to it. And now here is the bit that goes... Except...

• Liviu Hodor appears to be getting a single release in the UK sometime next year. Unfortunately it won't be for 'Sweet Love' but rather an older track, 'Happy For You'. In any case, 'watch this space' or something.
• Alexandra Stan didn't get the Grammy nomination people were predicting for her :(
• And "perspiring football journo" Duncan Jenkins has been giving his views on music.

(Agg)Romania(Santos.com)

Just so you know, the above title is an altered lyric from the concurrently ridiculous and amazing 'Candy' by Aggro Santos. If you want to catch Aggro live then you soon can, at Chichester Crown Court on January the 5th, supported by... Well, his lawyers, presumably. Anyway, Romanian chart et cetera et cetera.

Tinie Tempah is at Number 87 with 'Written In The Stars'. A bit of a tune, but not his finest. No, that would be 'Pass Out', which he performed on US X Factor last week, keeping in the 'Scunthorpe' line. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why Tinie Tempah is one hundred percent a Good Thing. Oh and in case you were wondering, Scunthorpe is rubbish, even by dilapidated northern UK town standards.

There's a new entry at Number 79 for DJ Sava and Andreea D and it is called 'Free'. "Free like the morning sun," is Andreea, "and I'm going, free at last" and you get the idea. Anyway, despite the fact that the morning sun isn't really free - it just goes up from the east down to the west, every single day, without fail - it's quite good. It's got brass in it and apparently Sava has something to do with Raluka of 'Out Of Your Business' brilliance and if that isn't a a mark of a class product then Lord knows what is.

Like dreadful Italian style rock? Well you're wrong to do so, but there was some at Number 55, although you'll have to find out what it was called for yourself because the woman on the radio didn't say what it was. Mohombi's 'Bumpy Ride' was just ahead of it at Number 54 though, so that somewhat balanced things out. And then that Bruno Mars song about rain came on (for it is at Number 50). "I'll never be your mother's favourite" is genuinely one of the lyrics in that. Better get yourself back to the shop quick to replace his album for the Bublé one then, because otherwise yours will be distinctly underwhelmed by her Christmas present. "That Bruno Mars," she'll sigh, barely masking her utter disdain for you and the lack of thought you have given to the purchasing of her gift, "he'll never be my favourite". Perhaps if he started making stereotypical 'housewife-friendly' pop then he might sell more copies. Until then, he'll have to remain something of a niche proposition.

When you are recording a song and you have Arash what do you do? What you do, it would seem, is make 'Broken Angel', a very nice sort of OneRepublic-ish midtempo ballad with added European influences. This is, of course, providing that you are a female vocalist called Helena and that when you're talking about Arash you mean you're with the balding Swedish-Iranian popstar who took Azerbaijan to a third place finish at Eurovision in 2009. If not then you probably want to get that checked out. Apparently 'Broken Angel' came out over a year ago so God knows why it's still in the Romanian Top 50 (at 46, to be precise) but as the old saying goes, "when God gives you lemonade, you drink the lemonade".

MILLI-MILLION, MILLI-MILLION, MILLI-MILLI-MILLI-MILLI-MILLI-MILLION, Alexandra Stan is one place ahead of that at Number 45 (the song is called 'One Million').

No sign of LadBanter yet, but their single isn't out until January so give them time.

One 'curiosity' of the Romanian charts is that at the moment at least they seem to contain about 5 songs that are based on 'Yé ké yé ké'. How this has come to be is unclear. The Romanians clearly love Latin influences in their pop music, though seemingly not so much African ones. So what is it that's so attractive about this one Guinean song from almost 25 years ago? It was popular across Europe then too, so it's not exactly a new thing, but it's nonetheless odd. On second thoughts they do also love wordless and nonsensical hooks - viz 'One Million' and the rather splendid 'Lala Song' by Grasu XXL and Guess Who, at Number 19 this week. Perhaps it could be something to do with that. Perhaps it could, and should, remain a mystery. PERHAPS.

And there we have it. Below you will find this week's Top 10. You may notice that many of the songs in it appear to have been there since the dawn of time. Then again you're not the one who's been compiling this bloody thing so you probably won't. Anyway:

10 (9) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' NO THANKS
9 (13) Rihanna - 'We Found Love' feat Calvin Harris HOPELESS ACE
8 (5) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna BLOODY HELL
7 (8) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
6 (7) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona ACTUALLY GOOD
5 (3) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony SIXTEEN OUT OF TEN
4 (6) Adele - 'Someone Like You' PLEASANT/TIRESOME
3 (4) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga ACTUALLY SUPERB
2 (2) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan ACTUALLY... AVERAGE
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) MAGIC

And that is Lykke Li's fourth week at the top. Lykke: even though you may eventually be deposed, never forget that, as the late, great Whitney Houston once said, "you're a winner for a lifetime". Never forget that. And here's the bit that goes... Except...

• Like any good popstars should at at least one point in their career, Andra and Liviu Hodor performed at the opening of a new shopping centre the other day.

• Meanwhile, Grasu XXL did a PA at a club. Romanian popstars seem to do that quite a lot. And judging by the picture on that page, Grasu XXL is very tall.

• Oh, and a clip of Cilla Black showing off her favourite childhood 'treat'.

Perfunctoromania

Because we're all busy people and etc. For the sake of completism, here is this week's Romanian Top 10. 

10 (11) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' A BIT LIKE 'POPULAR' IE AMAZING
9 (5) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' UNINTERESTING
8 (6) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
7 (4) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona A GOOD SONG
6 (10) Adele - 'Someone Like You' A NICE SONG
5 (8) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna OH DEAR
4 (7) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga SUPERLATIVE
3 (3) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony FIFTEEN OUT OF TEN
2 (2) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan NO 'HAPPINESS'
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) HURRAH

Normal service will (presumably) resume next week, if you're in any way interested whatsoever. And, 'sadly', that's all. Except...

• Marius Moga is currently one of the judges on Vocea României (The Voice of Romania). So that's nice.

• Meanwhile, his great mate Guess Who had a guest slot on Romanian X Factor the other week. More interesting though was the appearance this week of East 17, who performed their 1995 'classic' 'Thunder'. Blimey.

• And this is a rather innovative and funny way of using Spotify's Social feature, is it not? Yes, yes it is.

Ohnomania

Take a deep breath because here is this week's Romanian chart thing.

In at Number 95 is Mike Candy's 'One Night In Ibiza', cut from his forthcoming album 'Plumbing The Depths' like a plastic 6 pack ring from a dying swan's neck. Actually the album's not called that but it might as bloody well be. Never has hedonism sounded so utterly tedious. 'One Night In Ibiza' would be workmanlike, if only it appeared to have had any work put into it whatsoever. It is the sound of 2011: the sound of total contempt for the listener. The sound of imaginary VIP areas that, even if they did exist, would never admit the mere mortals lapping it up. It's that of aspiration to barely glamorised misogyny, Pitbull's good looks and David Guetta's great hair. It's the sound of laddism, the WKD side and Massive Banter. It's the evacuation of not only a genre of music, but music itself. It's the sound of 'will this do'. It's the sound of 'turns out it will'. It's the sound of this parody Twitter account, Taio Cruz and Olly Murs. It's like Britpop never happened. It reverberates from the deeply mythologised Club, where it's possible to party party PARTY until 6am without anyone getting glassed or being sick, and have both the wherewithal and wealth to do it all again from tomorrow until forever. It's the sound of money for nothing and your drinks for 10p. It's proof that the Bodyrockers were prophets, not anomalies. It is The Only Way Is Essex, it is Geordie Shore. It's the sound of the apocalypse.

Glad to sort that out.

But while it's all well and good having a go at things that are rubbish, negativity and misanthropy are fool's games, really. There is a lot of good stuff out there - or at least stuff not dire enough to make you want to slowly extract one of your eyes with a teaspoon - and it should be celebrated and cherished. Have a listen to Raluka to cleanse your palate. Then, in light of the unrepeatable atrocity above, it's only right that you partake in a moment's silence to reflect. And then you can listen to Raluka again. Here is the Top 10.

10 (11) Adele - 'Someone Like You' UNDEREXPOSED
9 (10) Andra - 'Telephone' ACE
8 (4) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna OH GOD
7 (8) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga ALSO ACE
6 (3) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
5 (6) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' ...
4 (7) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona THIS IS A GOOD SONG
3 (2) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony FOURTEEN OUT OF TEN
2 (5) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan UNDISTINCTIVE
1 (1) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) HURRAH

Well what a mess this blog thing has been. A shame that there's no time to turn it around now. There's nothing that can be done. Except...

• Dan Bălan is trying to break Russia, but hasn't forgotten his roots, personally auditioning a variety of Romanian models (or a 'bevy of buxom babes') for a starring role in his latest video. The lucky winner of the part was Ioana Raicu. Congratulations, Ioana.

• Alexandra Stan's career hit a new high last week when 'Mr Saxobeat' soundtracked the exit of this year's Big Brother runner up, Jay McKray, a man notable for putting his poo in the house's freezer.

• And Gok Wan's performance on this year's Children In Need represented one of the most incredible pieces of live music on television since Paul Shane attempted You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'.

Ro-ma-nia Worth Bothering With

(As in 'no way near'.) (Although maybe it is.) (Is it?) (It might be.) (This thing about the Romanian charts, that is.) (Let's see.)

First off, Sak Noel's 'Loca People' is at Number 96. The interesting thing about that is that when they play it on the radio in Romania they don't censor the naughty word, presumably because English isn't their first language. Well, it's sort of interesting. (It's not, is it? :( )

The Walmart Timberlake to Shayne Ward's Primark version, Joe Jonas, is a new entry at Number 90 with 'Just In Love', which is probably of some importance to someone or something, and Leona is at Number 83 with... Oh hang on, it's Avicii again. Maybe one day.

Right. This isn't going very well. Here to save the day is Alex Velea, whose 'Whisper' is at Number 70. It's actually quite good: above average dance-pop, in 2011, that's far removed from the Guetta archetype of "We're going to have some booze drinks and pop some bottles and maybe leer at some models UNTIL 6AM!". Who'd have thought it. What's also quite good is the video, which is half based on Olly Murs' 'Please Don't Let Me Go' clip, and half on James Bond. He does a little dance routine with some gangsters' molls and everything. And sound the 'dubstep influence' siren - there's a few wub-wubs at the end.

Good news for 'setting back feminism by, oh, at least a thousand years' fans: Antonia is at Number 57 with 'Marionette', in which she sings: "I wanna be in your control, so unmerciful; you can twist me and turn me just don't let me go... I wanna be your puppet on a string; baby I'm not holding back we can do anything; and even if I'm crazy it's cause you make me this way; we're as close to love as we'll ever get; I wanna be your marionette". Blimey. In fact it's also great news for 'non-native English speakers failing to pronounce things correctly' aficionados, because when Antonia says it, it sounds a lot like 'may-un-ey'.

And in what is, depending on how you look at it, either an unexpected boon or crushing blow for pop for people who daren't like pop, Lykke Li has climbed 5 places to Number One. Lykke Li: Number One. That sounds rather odd. Well, unfortunately, while it will no doubt delight Ms Li, it also signals, as per Ye Olde Law Of Pitchfork, the end of her career. Oh well. Here is the rest of the Top 10.

10 (14) Andra - 'Telephone' V GOOD
9 (5) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' RATHER INVIGORATING
8 (7) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga JAUNTY
7 (8) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona EASILY ONE OF THE BEST
6 (4) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' BORIN'
5 (9) Sean Paul - 'Got 2 Luv U' feat Alexis Jordan GOT 2 IMPROVE
4 (3) 'DJ Antoine' - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna DETESTABLE
3 (2) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
2 (1) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony THIRTEEN OUT OF TEN
1 (6) Lykke Li - 'I Follow Rivers' (The Magician Remix) HAS PIANOS; GOOD

So Romania loves Lykke. After that revelation, there's nothing left to be said. Except...

• In an illuminating article on libertatea.ro, Alex Velea revealed that for him, "the most important thing in marriage is a friendship that goes hand in hand with sex. I consult with my wife in everything I do" and that "alcohol should be consumed in small quantities, but very good quality".

• Lykke Li has been busy inspiring The Kooks. So busy in fact, that she doesn't even own a TV. Seriously, there's indie nonsense and then there's just outright nonsense. How does she watch The X Factor?

• And Robbie Williams' Mate Johnny Wilkes needs to learn to spell. He can't hate her that much, surely?