Slovakia

The question looms large. Yes, you know that Slovakia is home to the Bryndzové Halušky, and you're well aware of the exploits of Peter Šťastný - not to mention Móric Benyovszky - but what do you know about the music that is popular in Slovakia?

Well a cursory glance at the Slovakian Top 100 airplay chart will reveal that the answer is probably 'quite a lot'. Many of the acts are ones you'd expect to see in the UK or US charts: the likes of Usher, LMFAO, Rihanna and of course Madonna. But there are some less familiar acts too, like Tacabro, whose 'Tacata' is at 13 this week (amazing, saxophone, massive hit everywhere but the UK and US), and this utter dirge.

So now you know. But for a more in depth look at what Slovakia is listening to, you can look at the Top 10 below. It's even got last week's positions in brackets.

10 (13) Nicki Minaj - 'Starships'
HOOPDYHOOPDYHOOP 7.5
9 (9) Featuring Pitbull - 'Back In Time'
Remember the uproar when it was announced that Pitbull and not Will Smith would be performing the new Men In Black theme tune? Riots on the streets. Protests in parliament. No-one foresaw that 'Pit' was to deliver what could well be the best and most ridiculous song of his career. In retrospect it feels like it was all for nothing. With things turning out as well as they have, it scarcely matters. 7.5
8 (6) Peter Bič Project - 'Hey Now' 
It's bad news unfortunately. Despite the use of the word 'project' in their name, this group are not some ropey-yet-great dance outfit (viz Wamdue, Underdog). If you can imagine 'Slovakian Eurovision semi-finalists circa 2008', then you're probably closer to the reality. Yes, they have a lady with a big voice, guitars, and an incongruous vocodered rap by a man old enough and European enough to know better. And yet despite all that, it's actually alright. The bassline sounds a bit like Fischerspooner or something too, which is nice. 6
7 (3) Carly Rae Jepsen - 'Call Me Maybe'
Such is life. If Billie Piper had released this in 1999, she would have been derided by the vast majority of all people over the age of 5. Now that we're living in the future - a dystopian future in which shorties pop bottles in the VIzzzz, it feels completely refreshing. 'Serious' critics are falling over themselves to pronounce 'Call Me Maybe' as a work of genius. 'It's just good pop!!!' 'A bit of a guilty pleasure!11' 'You're allowed to like it because it's actually really clever!!!!!' Whatever the explanation, it's clear that Carly Rae has united people across all levels of music snobbery. Whether it be young fools who think The Vaccines are the saviours of British rock, or pensionable ones that claim Oasis are the greatest band of all time; even those that try and convince themselves that tUnE-yArDs is anything more than just a bit of a racket, they've all decided that it's acceptable to like. 'Call Me Maybe' is big, and it is clever. The reception to it, however, is just symptomatic of all the ridiculous connotations that have been ascribed to music, and people's enjoyment of it, since the dawn of time. Oh well. 8.5
6 (2) Featuring Flo Rida - 'Whistle'
Often, the reason given for non-English language hits not transferring over to the UK chart is that, well, they're in Foreign. You do wonder whether there may be other factors at play; deep-rooted arrogance, perhaps. It's funny because Slovakia, for instance, have had no trouble in taking this delicately crafted, subtle and nuanced piece to their hearts, even with its masterful employment of the complexities of the English tongue. They are the open minded ones here and that is why they love this celebration of terrible, terrible innuendo and sexism so much. Well, you assume it's sexism - 'Flo' could very well be 'wooing' a man, not a woman. Truly, we live in modern times. 2
5 (5) Train - 'Drive By'
In which we discover that The Singer From Train is "just a shy guy, looking for a two-ply hefty bag to hold my love". No idea. Fortunately, Google has one. The wonders of the information superhighway. 7
4 (4) Far East Movement - 'Live My Life' feat The Justin Bieber Experience
'Like A G6' was and is legitimately amazing, but it's also about two years old. Being so committed to a joke is admirable, but it can go on too long. In fact it's not even admirable, really. 3
3 (8) DJ Antoine - 'Ma Chérie'
'Welcome To St Tropez', DJ Antoine's almost-worldwide smash from last year is, as previously noted, one of the single greatest atrocities committed since hyperbole began. For the uninitiated, imagine there was a set of David Guetta Matryoshka dolls. DJ Antoine would be the smallest one. For this track he enlists the help of one of continental Europe's myriad Pitbull impersonators and really there's no point bothering attempting to come up with a 'funny' ending to this 4
2 (19) Celeste Buckingham - 'Run Run Run'
It's the winner of Česko Slovenskej SuperStar 2011! Soul for the post-Winehouse era, handclaps and all. It sounds like there's a strange amount of autotune on her voice, but never mind. The kind of act that would have been launched by a major label in the UK at the start of 2008, but better than that makes her sound. 8
1 (1) Gotye - 'Somebody That I Used To Know' feat Kimbra 
Alright we get the idea 7

So there you go.

Romania's Revenge

If you hadn't noticed, the title of this post is a very witty pun on the popular record 'Roman's Revenge' by Nicki Minaj.

But that's not important. What is important is the Romanian Top 100, and that is what the following few paragraphs will attempt to dissect, if not particularly at length, then at least in an affected whimsical manner. 'Here', as they say, 'we go'.

There's a new entry at Number 83 for Alexandra Stan and Carlprit and it is called 'One Million'. What would be good would be if Carlprit married former German tennis star Michael Stich, opening up the possibility of him changing his name to Carlprit Stich. Anyway, the song itself starts off as a carbon copy of Sean Da Paul and Alexis Jordan's 'Got 2 Luv U' before morphing into a sort of Nadia Oh-esque masterpiece, especially in the chorus, which is as follows: "Milli-million, milli-million, milli-milli-milli-milli-milli-million (repeat to infinity)". Amazing.

Rihanna climbs to 66 with 'We Found Love' in the week that its ever so slightly publicised video was released. It's one of the best of the year, much like the song itself which - and this is just a hunch - is probably going to be enormous right through Christmas and the New Year. Again, just a hunch, but 'you heard it here first'.

There's a song with the refrain "Get a life, get a life, get a life; why don't you take my life, take my life, take my life" - incredible - that smoothly segues into Mory Kanté's 'Yé ké yé ké' - again, incredible - at Number 63. Apparently (well, factually), it's called 'Get A Life' and is by Nick Kamarera and Alinka.

Guess Who? No, really, Guess Who. Oh, that was a funny little wheeze. The rapper Guess Who, of 'Tot Mai Sus' 'fame', has leant his vocals to Grasu XXL's 'Lala Song' which has soared over recent weeks to a current position of 42. Much like out of date sweet and sour chicken, it's a bit funky - the important difference being that 'Lala Song' shouldn't be thrown in the bin, and nor will it give you the runs. It's good, basically.

All of which means... Well, not much. But in unrelated news DJ Antoine's genuinely abhorrent 'Welcome To St. Tropez' has earnt itself a second week at Number One. Following on from last week, here's some more of the lyrical pearls on offer in the most popular song in the whole of Romania right now.

"Imported linen, Egyptian cotton; the party just started, the party ain't stoppin'; keep shit poppin', poppin' these bottles; haters keep hatin', fuckin' these models; so much money like we own the lotto; pull up to a club in a white Murcielago"

In further unrelated news, the Euro is on the brink of collapse. Here is this week's Top 10:

10 (5) Andra - 'Telephone' FANDRASTIC (FANTASTIC)
9 (10) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona TUNE
8 (14) Mishelle - 'Only You' feat Randi REALLY QUITE PLEASANT
7 (9) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' WOULD WIN EUROVISION
6 (7) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' LUMPEN
5 (8) Alexinno - 'Senorita' feat Starchild WHY?
4 (4) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga CLASSY
3 (3) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony PITBULL'S FINEST HOUR
2 (2) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl'
1 (1) DJ Antoine - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna BLOODY HELL

And that's all you're getting. Except...

• Mishelle and Randi have a message for you.

• Nick Kamarera's sister has married one of the richest men in Romania. It really is amazing what you can find out just by putting someone's name into Google News. 'Congratulations' to 'all concerned' and so on and so on.

• And if you were thinking of making a trip to Duncan's shop, then you might have to wait until next week at the very least.

What Have The Romanians Ever Done For Us?

Well, this, for one thing.

But more importantly they've also made lots of (some) great (fairly good) music recently for our delectation (to listen to). What better way to celebrate that fact than to look at and then attempt to make some kind of 'comment' on their charts? ("We genuinely don't know or care" - The World)

Well first of all (and surprisingly), Olly Murs is at Number 66 with 'Heart Skips A Beat'. So that's nice.

Continuing with palindromic numbers, this week's Number 55 is 'So Far So Good' by John Puzzle featuring Elise. It sounds a bit Turkish and is rather delightful - it is, one could say, pretty good. Directly ahead of it at Number 54 is Claudio Cristo and Tamy's 'Teach Me', which really is quite remarkable. That is to say that if you really try then you might be able to be moved by it enough to make some kind of remark about it. So after much thought, here is one: it's a bit generic.

Raluka's 'Out Of Your Business', which climbs from 12 to 11 this week, is an absolute corker and the song Pixie Lott wishes she could pretend to have co-written. If it was released properly in the UK it would be a Top 10 single and if you disagree you're just plain wrong. (And haven't noticed the similarities between it and Pixie's own 'All About Tonight', which Raluka knocks into a not only a proverbial cocked hat, but an idiomatic one too.)

Good news everyone: the superbilious 'Smiley' has been dethroned. Apologies for that rather dodgy neologism, but at times like this it's easy to get caught up in the excitement.You know, now that he's left the top spot there's no more need to talk about him. And no more need for this picture:

However, in a further attempt to inflict pain on the good people of Romania he has passed on his crown of solid beige (thanks for that Peter) to the maker of a song that's possibly just as contemptible as 'Dream Girl'. Basically it's 'Welcome To St. Tropez'. Let's have a look at some of the witty bon mots on offer in what stands to reason to be DJ Antoine's finest work to date.

"Mad bitches, so much brought; spendin' like when I wanna fuck them all; get mad brain in my very fast car; Ferrari v12 Maranello on my arm; ladies can't resist the charm; haters, kiss the ring of the Don; and we do this all day, welcome to Saint Tropez."

Truly, we seem to be reaching The End Of Days. Regardless, the perfunctory blog must go on. There's actually one new entry in this week's Top 10 and if that's not something to get excited about then lord knows what is.

10 (11) Liviu Hodor - 'Sweet Love' feat Mona V GOOD
9 (9) Dan Balan - 'Freedom' A 'GROWER' (TECHNICAL TERM)
8 (7) Alexinno - 'Senorita' feat Starchild POINTLESS
7 (6) Lucky Man Project - 'Pumpin'' NO THANKS
6 (5) Rihanna - 'Man Down' A COD-PIECE OF ART
5 (8) Andra - 'Telephone' NOT A COVER; STILL GOOD
4 (2) Guess Who - 'Tot Mai Sus' feat Marius Moga A CUT ABOVE
3 (4) Pitbull - 'Rain Over Me' feat Marc Anthony A MONUMENTAL TUNE
2 (1) 'Smiley' - 'Dream Girl' BLAH BLAH ET CETERA
1 (3) DJ Antoine - 'Welcome To St. Tropez' feat Kalenna A TRAVESTY 

And that, 'unfortunately', is that. Except...

• Anna Lesko has been doing some painting.

• Elena Gheorghe dreamt about falling pregnant, and then fell pregnant! Not sure that's really how it works, but nonetheless congratulations and so on.

• And Inna turned 25 on Sunday. Banal, but then sometimes banal can be nice, right? Right. Just not on this occasion.