The new series of The Apprentice doesn't start for another week, but details of this year's candidates have already been released. As we all know, first impressions are everything, and it's very easy to judge Apprentice contestants given only their name, photo, a brief biography and a typically twattish quote. With that in mind, what would Sirralan's latest bunch of business bastards be if they took the form of popular song?
Alex Britez Cabral
Alex is an estate agent from London and says "unpopularity is a good thing". Which, coincidentally, is what all estate agents mutter to themselves at night, shaking and crying as they try in vain to get themselves to sleep, discomforted, as they perpetually are, by the fact that they are, and always will be, an estate agent. (Only joking of course, in reality estate agents have no soul, and are therefore incapable of producing tears or feeling guilt)
In a song: Hotel Room Service by Pitbull
Pitbull is a man reviled by everyone except himself, and seeing as Alex sees only the benefits of unpopularity, the two are a perfect match.
In the photo provided, Melody appears to be trying and failing to pull off the 'fierce' look. She's given it a go though, and that deserves credit. Her quote is "Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon." You go girl! In addition, she speaks five languages and has worked with 12 Nobel Peace Prize winners. Unfortunately she's got the Dalai Lama twice, so it's only really 11, but she will do swapsies for a shiny Barack Obama.
In a song: What Makes A Girl Fierce by Fierce Girl
She certainly thinks she knows what makes a girl fierce, and sounds brilliant, but in the end will probably only peak at number 52 :( .
So far, so Stuart Baggs. But when you think about it, he poses quite a deep question. Why would an eskimo buy ice? These days we take it for granted that, in some instances, the best salesmen could make them. But why would they pay for it, when it's sitting there all around them? I've honestly never questioned it before! Consider my head blown.
In a song: Blowin' In The Wind by Bob Dylan
Clearly Leon is about to prove himself as one of the greatest thinkers of our generation, and will bring philosophy to the BBC1 masses. Just as Bob said, "the answer is blowin' in the wind", and to be honest after the eskimo-ice revelation I've just had I can't believe I didn't realise that.
Jim is a keen cyclist, and in his teens was an All Ireland cycling champion. This is certainly impressive, but I can't help but notice one slight discrepancy. In his quote, he states "I'm not a show pony or a one-trick pony, I'm not a jack-ass or a stubborn mule, and I'm definitely not a wild stallion that needs to be tamed. I am the champion thoroughbred that this process requires." The assertion here is that Jim is far from your average Apprentice contestant - he is in fact a horse. The problem is that while this would give him considerable athletic prowess, he would struggle to ride a bike with the level of steadiness required of an All Ireland cycling champion. I'm struggling to get my head around it, but then as Leon has already proved, my capacity for thought is somewhat limited. Surely the hooves would just slip off?
In a song: Talk To The Animals by Rex Harrison
If Jim really is a horse (and I have my doubts), then one would imagine he could communicate with other horses. Just like Doctor Doolittle, he could talk with the animals! Just think for a second how amazing that would be. Incredible.
As a song: El Salvador by Athlete
"Next time," Tom will think, "I'll choose the picture for myself". Which is also a line in 'El Salvador'. DO YOU SEE? In addition lyrics about "videos and global sales" are probably about business or something, which is apt.
As a song: Psycho Killer by Talking Heads
Harsh, maybe, but potentially accurate. Also, David Byrne could have taken "Say something once, why say it again?" and "I hate people when they're not polite" straight out of the No-Nonsense Apprentice Candidate phrasebook, something Ellie certainly seems to be taking notes from herself.
Helen Louise Milligan
As a song: Ma Baker by Boney M
This is mainly because she works for Greggs. Perhaps more suited to Ellie, but if you put your mind to it, you could still imagine her as an outlaw, with her photo "hanging on every post office wall". Well I can anyway.
Normally Apprentice contestants sound like they (or the show's producers) have spent days trying to think of a memorable, contemptible quote to introduce themselves with, but Natasha obviously couldn't be bothered. She has delivered what is possibly the worst statement of intent in the history of the programme. It's laudable, but as a result she'll probably go in the first week.
As a song: A Whiter Shade Of Pale by Procul Harum
If she wants to win she's going to have to be a little (quite a lot) more entertaining. Here's one for you Natasha: "I didn't come here to play, I came here to stay. When I was at school they didn't call me Natasha, they called me Nacasha. Basically I am amazing." See how easy that was? As it stands: beige.
As a song: It Always Comes As A Surprise by Pet Shop Boys
If someone can buy a house when they are 12, they are probably capable of a lot of things that most people can only dream of doing. I suspect that she will never cease to amaze on the show with a constant stream of similarly ridiculous anecdotes. When she leaves half way through the show though, no one will remember her, leaving as little a trace as It Always Comes As A Surprise did on Bilingual. :(
He may sound like a Tekken character, but is actually an accountant. I wonder if he was 'Ed Hunted' for the job? (Hahahaha etc.) He claims to be "honest and direct", something he shows in his photo by looking straight ahead, directly into the camera. It's a bit frightening.
As a song: Fight Test by The Flaming Lips
He might well be the first ever human representation of a Tekken character. I can see it now, with that photo on the screen: "EDWARD HUNTER - WINS". He'd certainly give Ellie a run for her money.
As a song: Everything's Better With Muppets by Spray
If I were to make a wild guess, I'd say Edna will be the type of person who uses honesty and candidness as an excuse for being tactless and rude in the face of others, and there's always at least one extreme example of those on each series of The Apprentice. (She's probably a really nice person and all that, but rash judgements are a lot more fun)
As a song: Gareth Brown Says by mclusky
As an opening line, "All of your friends are cunts" is rather audacious. Expect similarly frank bon mots from Edna.
his website however, it was broken. This is not a good start. He also claims to be "all mouth" and says "I'm everything". He is not doing a very good job of endearing himself to me.
As a song: Everything In Its Right Place by Radiohead
Everything (Gavin) is going to be very suited to this show I think.
She says: "Lord Sugar will probably find it difficult to ever say anything negative to me because I always turn it round to a positive." See? Nice.
As a song: Wonderful by Gary Go
Nice, inoffensive and as a result forgettable. This song reached number 25 in 2009 - only two years ago - and even if it didn't pass you by the first time, chances are you won't remember it.
last time. Glenn describes himself as "an intelligent man with a dry sense of humour". 'Dry sense of humour' could very easily be interpreted as MASSIVE LAD BANTS though, so you have been warned.
As a song: Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oasis
Providing he does turn out to be a Lad, this song will be the perfect match - leery, noisy, leery and boorish. Again, he's probably very nice really.
And there we have it.