Remembrance Monday: X Factor Finalists 2009 - You Are Not Alone

The X Factor is back on Saturday for an 8th (EIGTH) series, and despite what can only be described as an influx of new judges, this is no doubt a Good Thing. So what better way to celebrate than have a look at what happened to some of the X Factor contestants of yore? Well, probably a lot of ways, but for now this will have to suffice.

'You Are Not Alone' was the second X Factor charity single, and raised lots of money for Great Ormond Street Hospital - a great thing that's to be admired, unlike the song itself. It wasn't particularly good. 'But who were the people responsible for this lame Michael Jackson cover?' You're no doubt thinking. 'And where are they now?' Well, as soon as this lazy device to move the piece forward runs its course, your questions will be answered.

12th Place: Kandy Rain 
Awful girl group with an awful name who somehow made their way through 'Addicted To Love', but not the first week, accumulating only 1.5% of all votes. Last year they appeared on 'Snog, Marry, Avoid'.

11th Place: Rikki Loney
Rikki was kicked off at Boot Camp the year before reaching this stage, having been initally told that he was through. The person who replaced him was Liam Payne, who himself got into the live shows the year after Rikki finally made them, not on his own, but as part of One Direction. It's all very confusing. Unfortunately for Rikki, despite gaining a second chance, no one really cared. He's currently hawking his wares as part of G*Mania, a touring Glee tribute group comprised of 10 esteemed pop luminaries including Kavanagh, Andy Scott-Lee and some others that are even less famous.

10th Place: Miss Frank 
A quite good but also quite ridiculous female trio. Thrown together at Boot Camp, they decided to call themselves Frank, before adding Miss at the start, having decided that 'Frank' sounded a bit too masculine. One of them rapped in Spanish, and presumably still does - according to a reliable source (Wikipedia), she's currently in a duo called 'Scarlet Lowe' with one of the other ex Miss Frankers.

9th Place: Rachel Adedeji
With one of the better voices in the competition, and definitely the best name, 9th place was something of a disappointment for Rachel, especially after coming 1st the week before her exit. Earlier this year she released her debut single 'Follow The DJ'.

8th Place: Lucie Jones 
"Over 3000 people" complained to ITV and Ofcom about Lucie's exit, claiming that it was a fix. It wasn't a fix, she was a bit boring, and is now doing things like 'Les Mis', 'modelling' and 'planning to record her debut solo album'.

7th Place: Jamie Archer 
Self-styled 'rocker' who mistook 'gravelly voice' for 'croaking instead of singing'. Currently performing at a corporate event and/or racecourse near you, sometimes as part of modestly named band 'ARCHER'.

6th Place: John & Edward 
Beter known as Jedward, these Irish twins were one of the biggest success stories of the year, despite having no discernible talent. They've had 3 Irish Number One singles and 2 Irish Number One albums, the first of which going 8x Platinum. And they came 8th at Eurovision. And they might be going in the Big Brother house on Thursday. The bubble will seemingly never burst.

5th Place: Lloyd Daniels
Cute 16 year old afflicted with a lack of a voice. Never mind. Currently 'working on new material' or some such nonsense, but still, 'Cor right lad(ie)s?'

4th Place: Danyl Johnson 
After coming on top of Lloyd the previous week Danyl was the favourite to finish 4th, and did. By and large the public didn't like him, presumably because he was so unlikeable. Simon didn't sign him, and so his musical career never hit the heights he would have hoped for, or probably expected. Last seen in the background on ITV1's hit 'comedy' Benidorm.

3rd Place: Stacey Solomon
Excitable Stacey impressed on the show but labels weren't interested, so she went on 'I'm A Celebrity...', ate some testicles and became the face of Iceland. Suppose it follows. Recently she did sign a record deal, with 'Conehead', with whom she plans to release... A covers album.

2nd Place: Olly Murs 
Who?

Winner: Joe McElderry 
Joe never got the success he deserved following his win, mainly because his album was fairly rubbish and had been autotuned beyond recognition. Fear not though, he's back, having won a show where he pretended to sing opera, and will soon release his second album, full of well worn 'classics' of the Smooth FM variety. Just look at the bloody cover. Crikey.

Well that may or may not have been entertaining and/or informative.

Joe McElderry Is Doing A Covers Album

So Joe McElderry has managed to get himself a second allbum. 'Good', you may think, 'I loved him on The X Factor and it's a shame he got messed around by Syco because he seems a lovely lad'. But then you hear the news that the second album will consist of "classic songs" like Somewhere Over The Rainbow and Nessun Dorma. It's even called 'Classic'. 'Oh dear' you think. Oh dear indeed.

If Joe really wants to release a covers album that will sell somewhere in the region of 12 copies then that's his choice, and one that must be respected. But he could at least make the songs good. Here are the ones that he should do.

Robbie Williams - No Regrets
One of Robbie's finest. A song that Joe performed on the first week of The X Factor. It was a bit shaky, but showed promise. It would be quite good in recorded form (With the two Neils still included, naturally.)

Mario Winans - I Don't Wanna Know
A bit of a dirge, but jazz the production up a bit and you're there. It'd work a lot better with a better vocalist. (ie Joe.)

Olive - You're Not Alone
Just imagine that.

Robyn - Should Have Known
Sombre balladry. But with more sombreness and strings, and less synths and swearing.

Steps - It's The Way You Make Me Feel
Claire, Faye, H, Lisa and even Lee: all vocal powerhouses. No match for Joe though.

Godley & Creme - Cry
Totally overlooked and totally brilliant. Should have been his first single. No worry Joe, there's still time.

Westlife - If I Let You Go
Needs no explanation.

Erasure - A Little Respect
Him and Andy Bell are mates now, right? Well there we go then.

Mike Oldfield - Moonlight Shadow (Raved Up Cascada Style)
If ever a song lended itself to being redone in Cascadacular rave fashion, this would be it. And Joe's VOX would suit it perfectly.

Eric Saade - Popular
This year's Eurovision final averaged 9.5 million viewers, meaning about 50 million people in the UK, to their detriment, have never heard this song. Joe is the man to bring it to ever so slightly wider attention. He could he even say he wrote it or something, they'd be none the wiser.

Emma Bunton - Maybe
Let's be honest, Joe would knock Emma's version of this into a cocked hat.

Belvedere Kane - Never Felt As Good
Euphoric album closer, one for the people/person who bought and enjoyed the first album.

Here's your album cover:

And there we have it.

Someone phone Decca now please, cheers.