The Worst Number One Of 2011

And it hasn't even been released yet.




Bloody hell.

Some interesting points to note:

• What was the point in enlisting a bunch of the UK's 'hottest' rappers and getting them to talk instead of rap? Ewan McGregor could have done that, and he could have done it a lot better.

• What on earth is it all about? It seems to be taking cues from the likes of 'Born This Way' and 'Firework' - 'self-empowerment' 'anthems' - but misfires even more spectacularly than Katy Perry's breasts.

• He might have an amazing name, but not all of The Kids in the UK actually listen to Dot Rotten. Chances are the vast majority have never heard him, nor listen to grime, in spite of whatever Tulisa believes.  

• The idea of bringing in these up and indeed coming (in an elevator, in Ed Sheeran's case) young artists is presumably because they can 'speak' to the 'youth' of the nation. And maybe in a way, to some, they can, but what they actually say here (and in some cases elsewhere) is no less out of touch and detached from reality than the musings of your common or garden MP: naught but ridiculous platitudes about "job prospects" and "university places". The fact that said up and comers believe they know what they are talking about and are actually making some kind of serious statement just serves to underline their arrogance, rather than the common touch it leads them to believe they have.

ANYWAY

Here are some of the 'lyrics'.

'Ed Sheeran':
We're torn between what's right and what's not
What's up, what's down

Yeah, that probably means something.

Ms Dynamite (!?):
Left or right, deep down, on top, full stops
Exclamation mark, punctuation

Well that probably doesn't, but still.

Chipmunk:
100%, straight A's, education
University, job prospects, lost objects

Oh. We're playing word association, aren't we.

Dot Rotten:
Repeat sentence, feel presence
Receive gestures

Gavin Henson, Ishin-denshin
Relieve pressures

Tinchy Stryder:
Seek freedom, seek vengeance
Be full of life, be vacant
Flee danger, be braver

Vengeance? There's a good bit here when Tinchy gets to say 'flee' like he sometimes does in other songs.

Chipmunk:
Be flamboyant, be rejected
Be loved, be neglected
See sense

THESE ARE JUST WORDS THAT RHYME.

Rizzle Kicks:
See properly, see poorly
See tarnished, see quality

This bit's about going to the opticians.

Ms Dynamite:
Be selfless, be careless
Be you, be them
Be anyone

Be affected by a split personality disorder?

'Ed Sheeran':
Be an enemy, be a friend
But beware

Why?

Mz Bratt:
A wise man appreciates the time on a cheap watch

"Yeah, that one really is profound, let's put it in."

Dot Rotten:
Somebody probably dreams of the bed that you sleep on

Yeah, you selfish git.

Tinchy Stryder:
Your voice
We're living in the land of opportunities

Hang on, wasn't Chipmunk banging on about "university, job prospects and lost objects" just a couple of minutes ago?

Wretch 32:
You can turn silver into gold with four coins

Again, another particularly concerted attempt at seeming profound, however if we're talking about a pound coin here then you could actually do it with just two coins (two 50 pence pieces). The extra two would just be unnecessary. But still, 'deep'.

So, all in all, an incredibly confusing mess of contradictory questions and demands and downright nonsense. Still, it's going to raise some money for Children In Need, and that's what it's all about, right? Right.